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	<title>Toast</title>
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		<title>RTÉ unveils Autumn Schedule</title>
		<description><![CDATA[RTÉ Television yesterday launched its programming for the new season, announcing several brand new home produced shows, as well as the return of many old favourites. The Afternoon Show, which was marred by allegations of drug-induced violence and criminality has been replaced by Not the Afternoon Show &#8211; a brand new lifestyle programme, presented by the same vacuous non-entities who presented The Afternoon Show, except in a redecorated studio and with a different theme tune. Christ Alive! is a self-consciously controversial new six-part drama series, based around the 21st Century resurrection of the son of God. In the opening episode, our saviour rubs out a massive load of dick-snot over an image of Mother Teresa of Calcutta, whilst being taken from behind by His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI. Presented by journalist Ian O&#8217;Doherty, The Knackers is a gentle two-part documentary series, focusing on the traditions and cultures of Ireland&#8217;s Travelling Community. Pat Kenny will be returning with the second series of his award-winning Frontline – a thoroughly depressing hour of misery and po-faced analysis, interspersed with contributions from an audience comprised mainly of the type of tedious cranks who should never be allowed out in public, let alone within half [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=646</link>
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		<title>Won’t Somebody Please Think of the Paedos?</title>
		<description><![CDATA[It’s hard to believe that it’s only five years since &#8211; amid a torrent of tabloid-generated moral panic and hysteria about “what your children are getting up to on That Internet” - Bebo arrived on the scene. Alas, having been offloaded for a mere $10m by its former owners, AOL, its days finally appear to be numbered. Four years ago, when I felt as though I was the only person under the age of 25 who wasn’t the owner of a Bebo account, I would have happily danced on its grave. Today though, it would feel a bit like celebrating the death of Ariel Sharon. Good news, but too harmless to really matter anymore. Few, apart from a handful of barely-literate 14-year-olds, the occasional paedophile, and thousands of undercover tabloid journalists (posing as the former whilst attempting to snare the latter) will mourn the eventual demise of what was once the most popular website in Ireland. For a long time now, it’s been languishing in a persistent vegetative state, hooked up to a life-support machine, having long since reached the end of its natural life. The most amusing thing about the whole affair is that the writing was very clearly on the wall [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=618</link>
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		<title>Former Minister Furious at Souness &#8216;Rape&#8217; Remark</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Former Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism, Martin Cullen has reacted angrily to Graham Souness’ casual use of the word ‘rape’ on RTÉ’s World Cup coverage on Sunday. During the pre-match discussion of Serbia’s game against Ghana, Souness accidentally claimed that Nemanja Vidić had been ‘raped’ by Fernando Torres during a match between Liverpool and Manchester United. Martin Cullen – who, over a long period of time was raped daily by the media, and is now forced to walk with the aid of a stick – said that Souness’ choice of words trivialised the horror experienced by victims of sexual attacks, and added that it brought back very painful memories of his own rape ordeal.]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=602</link>
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		<title>Some Shows are just too poor to review</title>
		<description><![CDATA[As regular readers of Toast (all 380,000 of you) may have noticed, there has been a serious lack of activity on here recently. In truth, I just haven&#8217;t been arsed to write anything, and can only offer a wholly worthless and insincere apology. I was pondering the merits of sneakily editing the dates of a couple of older articles, just to give the impression that it hadn’t turned into some kind of virtual wasteland. However, I decided instead to cure my writer’s block by writing regular reviews of television programmes, starting with Brendan O’Carroll’s new comedy pilot, Mrs Brown’s Boys. This exercise turned out to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated… A true child of the Internet Generation, I’ve sat stony-faced through all kinds of horrible, ‘gross-out’ viral videos, and even witnessed rare colour footage (mainly red) of the unfortunate demise of Budd Dwyer. Alas, none of this unpleasantness prepared me for the true televisual horror of Mrs Brown’s Boys, and I bailed out after less than ten minutes. It would be unfair to review a show that I saw less than a third of. For all I know, it could have suddenly transformed into an Alan [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=599</link>
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		<title>Being a Formula One Fan</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I am a Formula One fan. There, I&#8217;ve said it. I&#8217;ve &#8216;come out&#8217; and can, from here on in, trot a little lighter in my step. Every second Sunday, for seven months of the year I go to great lengths to ensure that I&#8217;m seated comfortably before the television at lunchtime, tensely waiting as twenty futuristic machines, bearing little or no resemblance to actual cars, are lined up on the grid, ready to hurtle towards the first corner, before settling uniformly into an inevitable two-hour procession around an anodyne, manicured version of the countryside. In many people&#8217;s eyes, Formula One is a god-awful sport, run by crooks, piloted by automatons with a propensity to say “for sure” in every sentence and watched by the type of people you would usually walk a hundred miles over burning clichés to avoid running into. Indeed, some would go so far as to suggest that it&#8217;s not even a sport: Pah! It&#8217;s not about skill, strength or athleticism, they sneer. The only requirement is to be able to contractually manoeuvre yourself into the fastest car, and then drive quickly in circles without getting too dizzy or bumping into anything. These people are only half-right. [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=585</link>
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		<title>Creepy Crooner Chris castigates Critic</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Sordid, slippery little purveyor of grim mediocrity, Chris de Burgh has firmly cemented his place as the Alan Partridge of the music world, following this recent toe-curlingly cringe-worthy exchange with an Irish Times critic. The diminutive, furry-browed balladeer &#8211; known not only for such hits (excuse my spelling) as Lady in Red and Spanish Train, but also for shagging the (teenage) nanny while his wife was in hospital with a broken neck &#8211; took particular exception at being called &#8216;small&#8217;, &#8216;cheesy&#8217; and &#8216;warbly&#8217;. Hardly the worst things you could be called if your name is Chris de Burgh, I would have thought. Personally, I find that the very sight of the man induces feelings of mild nausea. And I can&#8217;t bear to listen to him, because I know that if I do, I&#8217;ll begin retching loudly, struggling desperately to hold back the taste of sick, knowing that if I start throwing up, I won&#8217;t be able to stop until my corpse is floating in dark green bile. As a result of de Burgh&#8217;s pettiness, the review (which, at worst, was mildly mocking, as opposed to the vitriolic critique his grotesque material deserves) is now among the &#8216;most read&#8217; articles on [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=575</link>
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		<title>Phone tap scandal threatens to damage the credibility of the News of the World</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Outrage is rapidly spreading across Britain, and some areas of Ireland today, after revelations that the News of the World paid out ₤1 million in damages relating to court cases brought against the newspaper as a result of illegal phone tapping. “This is disgusting,” said a Tom Evans, a van driver in North London. “Every Sunday morning I read that paper, expecting truth, virtue and integrity. How am I supposed to believe anything I read now, knowing that even if it is true, it’s been obtained through unethical measures?” That sentiment is being echoed on radio phone-ins and internet message boards all over Britain, while Joe Duffy has promised a ‘blistering show’ which he says will allow the Irish public to vent their frustrations at the media institution. The News of the World, which claims to be ‘the best for news, showbiz and sports exclusives’, has a history of brilliantly breaking several important news stories – mostly involving sports stars and entertainment celebrities – and then following them up with even more revelations to ensure that matters of public interest, stay just that. One such incident involved the football player David Beckham. Beckham achieved notoriety in 2004 when the News [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=558</link>
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		<title>Irish: Indians can’t hold their drink</title>
		<description><![CDATA[While dozens of families in India are in mourning due to the deaths of over 70 people from alcohol poisoning, hordes of Irish 18-30 year olds are boarding planes at Dublin Airport to ‘show them how its done’. Last year, 170 Indians died from alcohol poisoning and just recently, the city of Gujarat hit the news when it was reported that 71 people had been killed by toxic alcohol, but, fresh from booking a two week ‘Alcoholiday’, 24 year-old Dubliner Rory O’Connor told Oxygen that was part of the appeal. “You hear of these lads booking adventure holidays and all that. You know, three weeks climbing a mountain, sleeping in tents, shitting in the woods. That’s for pussies. This is the real deal. Death at your doorstep drinking, it’s going to be some buzz.” When pushed on what exactly he planned on doing in India, O’Connor’s response was emphatic, “I’m going to get mashed, simple as. Dying from drinking? What a load of bollocks. A few years ago – on a J1 – I was working 12 hours on a building site, then out on the lash straight away then back in work. No sleeping, no eating and barely time [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=567</link>
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		<title>Rovers’ fans angered by Real Madrid turnout</title>
		<description><![CDATA[There was widespread disappointment in Dublin last night when soccer fans expecting to see the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka were instead treated to the skills of Benolo, Pegrene and Marta. If those names sound unfamiliar, don’t worry, you may hear about them in ten years time though. In a spectacular mix-up involving Shamrock Rovers, Real Madrid and Platinum One, the Spanish giants sent their under-12s team for the much hyped showdown with Rovers instead of ‘Los Galacticos’, leaving thousands of supporters fuming. “I paid €300 for tickets for me and my kids, only to see a bunch of players younger than them running around. This is a joke. We came here to abuse Ronaldo, not babysit,” said Mick Doherty of Ballymun. A sheepish John Byrne, communications officer for the Hoops, was as confused as anyone with the turn of events, “I’ve been trying to get hold of someone at Madrid or Platinum One all evening but I haven’t had any luck so far. Somewhere down the line we probably should’ve thought it was too good to be true, but we were all seeing stars, I suppose. When I know more, I’ll let you know.” In an effort to [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=561</link>
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		<title>OK! does it again&#8230;</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Not satisfied with publishing a Jade Goody memorial issue several days before her demise, sordid UK celeb rag, OK! has plumbed new depths of ethical bankruptcy with its &#8220;loving&#8221; and &#8220;prayerful&#8221; tribute to the memory of Michael Jackson. Having paid $500,000 for it, Richard &#8220;Dirty&#8221; Desmond, the owner of OK! also published the tasteful corpse photo on the front covers of the magazine&#8217;s sister publications, the Daily Star and the Daily Express. In 2006, the Express published this article, criticising the &#8220;sickening&#8221; publication of post-accident pictures of Princess Diana. Even leaving the glaring hypocrisy aside, the story is somewhat ironic considering the same publication had spent the entire previous decade feasting upon the very same corpse. In a pathetic attempt at justifying the Michael Jackson image, a spokesman for OK! said, &#8220;The picture is not one of a person in agony but with his eyes closed being attended to by medical staff.&#8221; He wasn&#8217;t in agony and his eyes were closed because he was most likely already dead when the picture was taken. So that&#8217;s OK! then&#8230;]]></description>
		<link>http://www.toastonline.net/?p=552</link>
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