Canvassing from hell – how to get the most fun out of your door-to-door campaigner

The pre-elections time can be quite daunting as candidate after candidate arrives at the innocent general public’s door to supposedly explain how they are so much different from the guy who just left five minutes ago. Instead of slamming the door on their face or not even bothering to open it in the first place, why not take advantage of this prime opportunity to try out your hidden stand-up skills. We at Toast decided to give you a few tips on how to deal with these awful nuisances.

Fianna Fáil

It is unlikely that you do not have all sorts of remarks ready for these guys but there are a few different approaches you can take. Aside from the obvious “you are all lying, stealing scumbags” you could instead greet them with enthusiasm and offer them a cup of tea. When the time is right, ask the candidate if he is going to write a cheque for all the money you lost in the bank crisis or if they might be able to offer you cash in hand instead, to avoid any ‘unexplained income’ disasters.

You could also act ignorant as to which party the candidate represents and announce your full support for him as “anyone but the idiots currently running the country” is a good choice.

Sinn Féin

One poor anti-immigration candidate was unfortunate enough to approach a foreign member of the Toast team and we had a good laugh winding him up. The lad was asked about his policies in detail and just when he was getting into his element and announcing how Ireland really is for the Irish and tax-paying immigrants are the source of all evil, we kindly advised him of our nationality. This particular guy decided to keep his word and continued to persuade his audience to leave the country. We were kind enough to offer a compromise – we will leave right after he has personally bought one-way plane tickets to dear Eire for all the Irish expatriates all over the world.

If you’re not foreign or the candidate does not support the same immigration policies, you could always announce your proud protestant roots topped with a performance of the British national anthem. If you really want to get him fired up, remind the candidate of the current Ryan report scandal and demand that all the Catholic clergy should be beaten up with a stick while listening to ‘God save the Queen’ in a reality-TV like show.

The Green Party

Before they arrive, make sure to have your front garden appropriately littered. You could also rent a SUV with a ridiculously large engine and bumper stickers announcing your support for nuclear energy. While the candidate is talking to you, keep filling your recycling bag with batteries, kettles or anything else that does not belong there, including the leaflet you have just been given, and witness how long the candidate will be able to just stand there doing nothing.

The Labour Party

Invite the fellow comrade in to your Soviet Union-style decorated home. Maybe he will take part in your new sculpture project of famous communist leaders. If this does not sound like an appealing option you could always pretend to be a large corporate leader and advise him as to your unconventional methods of taking care of the lazy employees in your business. If he mentions unions of any sort, laugh and remind him how much you paid to keep them silent about your cruel capitalist ways.

You could also demand a very detailed explanation as to how exactly he is going to find the money to save the free fees scheme, hospital beds, recycling centres, jobs, children’s allowance, the dole, primary and secondary schools, special needs amenities, pensions, minimum wages, medical cards…

Fine Gael

Ask the candidates to outline the party’s policies. Point out the obvious similarity to Fianna Fáil. Laugh.

You may also bully the candidate about “The Alliance for Change” slogan in the last general elections and his party constantly being the second best.

If after all this you feel a little bad for putting the candidate down, you can always congratulate him on the great YouTube success his party leader, Enda Kenny, has achieved with his X-factor audition video. The party’s hard work in criticising pretty much everything without any results is something worth mentioning as well.

The independent candidates

Suggest that the candidate has some sort of narcissist disorder as he wants to run on his own. Ask him how frustrating it must be to waste so much money and time when it is pretty likely that people still go and vote for a party candidate rather than him.

If they seem to have answers to everything, let them go on for a long while before suddenly “remembering” that you are not registered to vote.

Marja Lumme