Creepy Crooner Chris castigates Critic

Sordid, slippery little purveyor of grim mediocrity, Chris de Burgh has firmly cemented his place as the Alan Partridge of the music world, following this recent toe-curlingly cringe-worthy exchange with an Irish Times critic.

The diminutive, furry-browed balladeer – known not only for such hits (excuse my spelling) as Lady in Red and Spanish Train, but also for shagging the (teenage) nanny while his wife was in hospital with a broken neck – took particular exception at being called ‘small’, ‘cheesy’ and ‘warbly’. Hardly the worst things you could be called if your name is Chris de Burgh, I would have thought. Personally, I find that the very sight of the man induces feelings of mild nausea. And I can’t bear to listen to him, because I know that if I do, I’ll begin retching loudly, struggling desperately to hold back the taste of sick, knowing that if I start throwing up, I won’t be able to stop until my corpse is floating in dark green bile.

As a result of de Burgh’s pettiness, the review (which, at worst, was mildly mocking, as opposed to the vitriolic critique his grotesque material deserves) is now among the ‘most read’ articles on the Irish Times website, and the subject of a BBC news story. One would have thought that a multi-millionaire, who has enjoyed an inexplicably long and successful career should be thick-skinned enough to take a bit of harmless criticism on the chin. Seemingly not.

Ray McGrath

(ray [at] toastonline.net)